It’s been a rough few weeks. My husband is a teacher in a small school in Texas but the size doesn’t keep him from bringing home viruses. As a school counselor, I knew that I was at risk of getting every bug that students brought to school but now that I am not working, I figured I was less at risk for getting the common cold. Unfortunately, CFS and fibromyalgia lowers the immune system and when my husband started coughing and sneezing, I knew I was doomed.
After two weeks of bringing up sludge from my lungs, I am finally feeling like I beat this one without the help of antibiotics though I am now inhaling warm water with salt and baking soda to ward off a sinus infection. This weekend, I finally decided that it was time to return to the land of the living and spent some time weeding our vegetable garden.
When my mom visited several weeks ago, she helped me out by planting onions and lots of seeds since I was too weak to do it myself. We feared that a sudden cold snap killed everything but the onions, I was thrilled to find that some plants survived. Amongst the weeds, I found lettuce, arugula, radishes, and cantaloupe. I even found what look like pepper plants which my mom didn’t put on her map to help me identify her hard work. The snap peas and beans are looking okay but the tomatoes she planted did not make it. I planted some tomatoes after I realized my mom’s did not make it and they are all doing well. It is so exciting to watch life grow from a tiny seed.
I didn’t think I was overdoing it but spending time for just two days has worn me out. I have been fairly useless all day today ,though I did do a little writing. Truth be told, I think being a writer would be the ideal job for me. I enjoy it, I think I’m pretty good at it, and I can work even with my affliction. The key is to get published and I spend a lot of time pondering this problem rather than writing cover letters and sending out articles and manuscripts. Maybe some day soon I’ll get the courage up to actually mail out some of my writings to publishers. I need to accept the reality of rejections first and am not feeling so inclined yet. Right now, I would rather believe that my writings are highly publishable than consider the alternative.
In addition to this darn virus, my digestion problems have returned. I have been waiting for the results of liver and pancreas blood panels and the anxiety is taking its toll. I worry that acupuncture may not be the answer to making me feel good again. I fear that my bile ducts are shrinking or infected which can cause liver disease. But most of all, I fear that lab results will continue to be negative. I know there is something wrong where my gallbladder used to be because the pain and spasms are real. I want answers, cures, and the ability to manage my condition on my own terms. But right now, I am feeling like I have no control over what I desperately need.
I am tempted not to publish this as I promised to write only positive missives. But I also need to be honest with myself and readers. Life has ups and downs and having a chronic illness tends to magnify issues that we all deal with in daily life. We push on, wait impatiently for the yucky times to pass, and try to figure out how best to manage and thrive.